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Brian and the Aliens
by Will Shetterly
A boy and his dog were walking in the woods when they saw a space ship land. Two space aliens came out of it. One alien was blue, and one was green, and they were both covered with scales, large red eyes, and long tentacles. Otherwise, there was nothing unusual about them.
The aliens walked into the middle of the clearing and jammed a flag pole into the ground. The flag had strange colors on it that hurt the boy's eyes, and odd lettering that looked like "We got here first. Nyah-nyah."
The boy whispered to his dog, "I'm not scared. You go first."
The dog said, "Rowf! Rowf!"
The boy thought the dog meant, "Yes, you are, you can't fool me." So the boy said, "Am not," and he walked toward the aliens. (What the dog really meant was, "If you'd throw a stick, I'd chew on it until it was soft and slimy, and then I'd bring it back so you could throw it again.")
The blue alien said, "Hello, native person. I am Miglick and this is my partner, Splortch. We have discovered your planet."
"Yep," said the green alien. "We did. It's ours."
"And we name it Miglick Planet," said Miglick.
"Yep," said Splortch. "We do. No, wait! We name it Splortch Planet."
The boy said, "It has a name. It's Earth."
Miglick told Splortch, "Perhaps we should name it for our home. We could call it New Veebilzania."
"Boring!" said Splortch.
"Everybody calls it Earth," said the boy.
"Rowf! Rowf!" said the dog.
Splortch said, "Are these Splortchians trying to tell us something?"
Miglick said, "The little Miglickian said 'Rowf!' I believe that means they'd like to give us all their gold." (What the dog really meant was, "Are these aliens friendly? Do they want to roll in some mud?")
"Um, we don't have any gold to give you," said the boy.
"That's too bad." All of Miglick's eyes squinted. "Then what were you saying, Miglickian?"
"My name's Brian. And I'm a human on Earth. This is Lucky. He's a dog."
"His name's Pry-on," Splortch told Miglick. "He's of the tribe of Splortchians called hummings. This clearing where we landed is called Urp. The littler Splortchian is extremely fortunate. Its tribe are called ducks."
"I know that," said Miglick. "I heard everything the Miglickian said."
"No, you didn't," said Brian. "The entire planet is called Earth. The people who live on it are called humans. My name's Brian, his name's Lucky, and he's a dog. Okay?"
Most of Splortch's eyes squinted in a frown. "Excuse me. If you want to name things, discover your own planet."
"But humans were here first," said Brian.
"Okay," said Miglick. "Whenever we can't think of a better name for something, we'll use the old humming name. Isn't that fair?"
"That's fair," said Splortch, squatting on its tentacles to look at Lucky. "You don't have much to say, do you, fortunate duck?"
Brian said, "Ducks fly. They have wings. Lucky's a dog."
All of Splortch's eyes squinted in a frown. "I understand, Pry-on. I'm not stupid." The alien leaned close to Lucky. "So, where are your wings, fortunate duck?"
Lucky licked Splortch's face.
Miglick said, "I think that means the duck would rather not fly just now, but it is grateful that we discovered Miglick Planet."
Splortch looked at Brian. "You may lick my face, too, Pry-on."
Brian said, "No way!"
Miglick said, "The humming does not think it is worthy to lick your face."
Splortch said, "Ah, modest humming, you are indeed worthy to lick my face."
Brian shook his head. "Excuse me, but I don't want to lick anybody's face."
All of Splortch's eyes opened wide to stare at Brian. "Does that mean you aren't grateful that we discovered your planet?"
"Well," said Brian, "I always knew where it was."
Miglick sighed. "These Miglickians are so unreasonable. And to think I was sorry that they would all have to die."
"Have to what?" said Brian.
"Die," said Splortch. "You breathe oxygen, right?"
"Right," said Brian.
"Okay, then," said Miglick.
"Okay, then, what?" said Brian.
"Okay, then, you'll all die when we replace Earth's oxygen with methane," said Miglick. "Isn't that obvious?"
"Oh, dang," Brian said.
Splortch said, "Veebilzanians breathe methane. We took oxygen-breathing pills when we landed, but they don't last very long. And they taste terrible."
Brian said, "I don't want to seem rude or anything, but why do you have to replace our oxygen with methane?"
Splortch looked at Brian, then shrugged several tentacles and said, "What kind of rest stop would Splortch Planet be if Veebilzanians had to breathe oxygen? Can you imagine being cooped up in a space ship for hours and hours and hours, and finally you come to a planet where you can get out and walk around, and there's no methane to breathe?"
Miglick looked at Splortch. "Inconceivable."
"But Earth isn't a rest stop," said Brian.
"Of course not," said Miglick. "Until we replace the oxygen."
"These Splortchians aren't very smart," said Splortch.
"No," said Miglick. "Well, let's start the methane-making machine."
"Wait!" shouted Brian. "You can't just kill everything on Earth."
"Sure we can." Splortch pointed at a control panel on the side of the space ship. "We just press the red button. That starts the methane-making machine. Presto, Earth's a rest stop, and everyone's happy."
"But what about humans and dogs and everything that's already here?" asked Brian.
Miglick nodded. "The humming's right."
Splortch nodded, too. "Well, they won't be happy. They'll be dead." Splortch extended a tentacle toward the red button.
"Don't do that!" shouted Brian. "It's wrong!"
"It is?" Splortch drew its tentacle back to scratch its head. "It's not the green button, because that starts—"
"No," said Brian. "It's wrong to kill people."
"Hey, we know that." Miglick reached to press the red button.
"Don't!" shouted Brian. "Humans are people, too!"
"You are?" All of Splortch's eyes opened wide.
Brian nodded.
Splortch said, "Do you speak Veebilzanian?"
"Well, um, no," said Brian.
"Do you worship the great Hoozilgobbler?" said Miglick.
"Um, I don't think so," said Brian.
"You don't have tentacles," said Splortch.
"Well, no," Brian agreed. "But we're still people."
"Hmm," said Miglick. "Do you have space ships that can travel between the stars?"
"We have space shuttles that can go around the Earth. And humans went to the moon once."
"Only to your moon?" Miglick laughed. "That's not a space ship. That's a space raft."
"We're really people," said Brian. "If you got to know us, you'd see."
Splortch and Miglick glanced at each other. Miglick said, "This planet would make such a nice rest stop."
"True," said Splortch. "But hummings and ducks might be people."
"Quite right," said Miglick. "We'll have to find out."
"Whew!" said Brian, thinking the aliens would become someone else's problem now.
"Rowf!" Lucky said. (What Lucky meant was, "Does anyone want to go home and see if there's any brown glop in my food bowl? If there is, we can all get down on the floor and eat together.")
Splortch said, "You two Splortchians stand over there. We'd like to take your image."
"Our picture?" said Brian.
"I guess so," said Splortch.
Brian shrugged and led Lucky under a tree, where he stood looking at Splortch and Miglick, who were standing in front of the space ship. Miglick said, "Perfect," and Brian smiled as the alien pressed a green button on the control panel.
In the next instant, Brian was looking at a boy who looked exactly like himself and a dog who looked exactly like Lucky. The blue alien was standing beside Brian, and the green alien was missing. The tree was behind the boy and the dog, and the space ship was behind Brian and the blue alien.
Brian said, "Hey! What happened?"
The blue alien said, "Rowf! Rowf!"
Brian raised a green tentacle to scratch his head, and then he stared at the tentacle.
The dog said, "Ret's go, Sprortch. And you two hummings, be carefur in our bodies."
"Don't press any buttons while we're gone," said the boy. "You don't want to start the methane machine until we're back."
Brian stared, then shook his tentacles in frustration.
"Rowf!" The blue alien rubbed its head against Brian's tentacles until Brian patted it. "Rowf!"
"Rots o' things smell grr-reat!" said the dog.
"Come on, Miglick," said the boy. "The sooner we prove hummings aren't really people, the sooner we can start the methane-making machine."
"Rokay! See you rater!" The dog ran ahead of the boy to get a good whiff of a dead skunk. "Yo! That's grr-reat!"
"Dang!" Brian stomped his tentacles twice, and then he squatted and told the blue alien beside him, "It's okay, Lucky. We'll fix this. Um, somehow."
Just then, a woman behind him said, "All right, who's making a monster movie?"
Brian turned around. A tall police officer stood at the edge of the clearing with her hand on her holstered pistol.
Brian said, "I'm not a monster, I'm a space traveler. I mean, I'm a kid, and this is my dog. No one's making a movie. Can you help?"
The police officer cocked her head to one side, then called, "Jack, what do you think?"
A fat police officer came out of the woods and walked toward the space ship. He stared at it and said, "I think I don't know what I think, Sarge."
"It's simple," said Brian. "Only I can't explain it. And there's not time to try, 'cause we have to save Earth right away!"
"You're a kid?" The policewoman moved her hand away from her pistol and scratched her head.
"Sure," said Brian. "The aliens switched bodies with us by pushing that green button." He pointed at it with a tentacle.
"This one?" the policeman asked. And he pressed the green button.
#
Meanwhile, the alien who looked like Lucky and the alien who looked like Brian walked out of the woods. A girl called, "Brian!"
"Herro," said the dog.
"No, I think I'm Pry-on," said the boy. He called to the girl, "Who are you, humming from Urp?"
"What's the game?" said the girl.
"There's no game," said the boy. "I'm Splortch. This is Miglick. We're from Veebilzania. We must decide whether we should kill everyone on your planet by turning it into a rest stop for space travelers."
The dog nodded in agreement.
"Okay," said the girl. "I'm Captain Brandi of the Starship Enterprise."
"Glad to meet you, Captain Pran-dee."
The girl said, "I've got your space ship locked in a tractor beam. You have to leave Earth alone, or I'll blow up your ship with my photon torpedoes."
"Oh, oh!" said the dog.
The girl said, "Is Lucky okay?"
The boy said, "Um, we have to go now."
"No way," said the girl. "Or I'll blow up your ship. Besides, Mom said you have to come in for lunch."
The boy said, "These Urp creatures are more clever than we suspected. Maybe they really are people."
"I don' know," said the dog.
The girl patted the dog's head. "Poor Lucky. Did you eat something you shouldn't have?"
A woman stepped out of a house and called, "Brian! Brandi! Lunch is ready!"
"Coming, Mom!" The girl grabbed the boy's hand and tugged him toward the woman's house. The dog stared at them, then back at the woods, and then followed the girl and the boy inside.
At the kitchen table, the girl sat in one chair, so the boy sat in another. The dog jumped into a third. The Mom looked at the dog and said, "Down, Lucky!"
"But he's hungry," said the boy.
"He has food." The Mom pointed at Lucky's dish, which was full of brown mush.
"Good!" said the dog as it jumped down.
"Lucky sure sounds strange," said the Mom.
"He can't speak as well as I can," said the boy. "And he can't pick up things in his hands." The boy pointed at his thumb. "I think it's because hummings have this special finger, and ducks don't. Tentacles are far more practical. And far more attractive."
The girl and the Mom laughed. The girl said, "Brian's a space alien. I always knew it."
The boy nodded proudly. "I am Splortch from Veebilzania. That is Miglick, my partner."
"Herro," said the dog, looking up from his dish.
"How do you like the duck food?" asked the boy.
"Good!" said the dog.
The Mom asked, "How'd you train Lucky to bark like that?"
"He di'n't," said the dog.
"I didn't," said the boy. "We learned your language from your television broadcasts."
The Mom put her hand on the boy's forehead. "I think you've been watching too much television, mister. Do you feel all right?"
Before the boy could answer, someone pressed the door buzzer. "I'll get it!" the girl said.
"Oh," said the boy in relief. "That's not the sound of you hummings blowing up our space ship?"
The girl opened the front door, then said, "Mom? It's the police."
"No, it's not." A fat policeman walked into the room. "It's me, Brian."
"Rowf," said a tall policewoman, trotting in after the policeman.
"Oh, oh," said the boy.
"Ro, ro," said the dog.
"Mom!" said the policeman, pointing at the boy and the dog. "They're aliens and they want to kill everyone on Earth. We have to stop them!"
As the policewoman ran toward the dog dish, the policeman called, "Lucky! Come back here!" The policewoman barked sadly and returned to the policeman's side.
The Mom looked from the two police officers to the boy and the dog.
"It's me, really!" the policeman said. "The aliens switched bodies with Lucky and me. And when the police showed up, I got put into the policeman's body by mistake."
"That is not true," said the boy. "I'm Pry-on the humming, not Splortch from Veebilzania." He pointed at the dog. "This is a fortunate duck, not my partner Miglick. Send away those hummings in blue clothing and let us stay with you until we decide whether you're really people."
The Mom stared at the boy.
The boy added, "Please?"
"Brian?" the Mom asked the boy. "The joke's over now, understand?"
"It's not a joke!" said the policeman. "If you don't believe me, they'll turn all the oxygen into methane, and everyone will die!"
"Yes, they're playing a joke!" said the boy. "But not me! I'm really Pry-on! Make the joking people go away!"
The Mom said, "This isn't funny, Brian." She turned toward the police officers. "And you two should be ashamed of yourselves, playing some game like this—"
The policewoman whimpered. The policeman said, "Oh, dang."
The girl pointed at the policeman. "Mom, that's Brian."
The woman stared at the boy. "Then who're you?"
"Oh, all right," said the boy, sighing. "I'm Splortch. I traded bodies with Pry-on."
The dog said, "But where are our real bodies?"
"Right here," said someone at the door.
"Hey, great!" said Brandi. "Space aliens!"
The green alien pointed a tentacle at the policewoman, who was hiding behind the policeman. "Just don't let me eat dog food, okay?"
"Don't worry, Sergeant," said the policeman. "Lucky does everything I tell him to. Except when he doesn't."
At that moment, a man in cowboy boots walked in the front door and stared at the two aliens, the two police officers, the two children, the dog, and the Mom.
"Dad!" the policeman yelled, wrapping his arms around the surprised man and giving him a big hug. "You're home early!"
"Uh—" began the Dad.
"Roo's he?" said the dog.
The policewoman started drinking water out of Lucky's water dish.
The boy said, "Please tell Captain Pran-dee not to destroy our space ship. We could put our rest stop on another planet."
"I—" began the Dad.
"Do you live here?" said the blue alien. "Or are you another space alien?"
"Um—" began the Dad.
"Everything's under control," the green alien said. "But your son promised he wouldn't let me drink out of the dog dish, and look at me now." The alien pointed a tentacle at the policewoman, who was happily lapping up water from the dog dish.
"Oh, sorry." The policeman released the very confused Dad and called, "Lucky! Stop that." The policewoman looked up from the dog dish, then ran over and crouched beside the policeman.
The Dad said, "If I go outside and come back in again, will this make sense?"
"I doubt it," said the Mom. "But if it works, I'll try it too."
"We only saw your television broadcasts," said the boy. "We didn't know you were intelligent beings."
"Rat's right," said the dog. "We won't take away your grr-oxygen now."
The girl gave the Dad a hug. "Isn't this great? Everyone's in the wrong bodies, except for us!"
The blue alien said, "Sarge, I sure hope you'll write the report on this case," and then coughed.
The green alien nodded, said, "Maybe we should say we fell asl—" and then coughed, too.
The Dad scratched his head. "This is one of those TV shows where they trick people, right?"
"No time to explain, Dad!" said the policeman, running outside with the policewoman following behind him. "C'mon, everybody!"
"Hey, our bodies!" cried the space aliens, running after the police officers.
"Hey, our bodies!" cried the boy and the dog, running after the aliens.
"Hey, Brian and Lucky!" cried the Dad, running after the boy and the dog.
"Hey, Dad!" cried the girl, running after the Dad.
"Hey, everybody!" cried the Mom, not running after anyone. "Who's going to explain what's going on?"
"Not now, Mom!" said the policeman, stopping for a moment at the edge of the woods. "The aliens said their oxygen pills don't last very long!"
"Rat's right!" said the dog. "Grr-I forgot!"
"What oxygen breathing pills?" said the blue alien.
"I don't like the sound of this," said the green alien, and then it coughed again.
"Hurry!" said the girl, grabbing her Mom's hand to lead her into the woods.
The Dad looked up into the trees as they ran. "They sure hide the video cameras well."
Just as everyone entered the clearing where the space ship stood, the two aliens fell on the ground and began gasping desperately. The dog pressed a purple button on the space ship's control panel, and two small yellow pills popped out. The dog gave them to the aliens. As soon as the aliens popped them into their mouths, they quit coughing.
After Splortch and Miglick used their machine to put everyone back into their proper bodies, Splortch said, "Thank you for not destroying our ship, Captain Pran-dee."
The girl shrugged. "Oh, that's all right."
Splortch said, "And thank you for remembering about the oxygen pills, Pry-on. You saved us from having to live the rest of our lives as hideous freaks. Um, nothing personal."
"I kind of liked being a duck," said Miglick.
"I kind of like being alive," said the policewoman. "You did good, kid."
Brian blushed and shrugged. "That's all right."
Splortch said, "After we build a rest stop on Pluto, you all have to come and visit us."
"That'd be nice," said the Mom.
"And bring some of that good duck food," called Miglick as the space ship's door closed behind him.
"Goodbye!" everyone shouted as the space ship took off. After it disappeared in the sky, the Dad said, "They use very long wires and a really big mirror, right?"
"Let's go finish our lunch," said the Mom.
Brian patted Lucky's head. "Glad to be a dog again?"
Lucky licked Brian's face and said "Rowf! Rowf!" And everyone knew that meant "yes!" (Though it really meant, "You smell that dead skunk? Let's all go roll on it!")
—The end